Not Quite as Planned

As far as first days on the job go, this has to be one of the absolute worst. 


So what I don't have a 'valid bounty hunting permit', what happened to letting the new guy off with a warning? Now, instead of hunting down infamous criminals one by one, I'm stuck in a cell on an Imperial transport with a human, a medical droid, a brutish Gamorrean who doesn't seem to know any galactic basic beyond grunts and other various guttural sounds, and a smoking hot Twi'Lek (ok, so maybe it's not all bad). 

If being locked up first day off planet wasn't bad enough, some terrifying mercenary in Mandalorian armor just busted in and now he wants us to help him get off this transport and take back his ship. Fat chance guy, I'm only in here for an invalid permit. No way I'm going to add about 30 legitimate charges on top of that because some lunatic decided to go postal and shoot his way into our cell. 


Holy shit everyone is saying yes. Even the Gamorrean is grunting, whatever the hell that means. He's standing up though, so I assume he means something along the lines of "I'm in, and also I plan on meeting an untimely end on this ship!". 


On second thought, I did come all the way out here for a chance at adventure. This isn't anywhere near what I had in mind, but would Greedo back out now? Surely not. The Rampaging Rodian would never turn down a chance to shoot someone right in the face, so how could I?


"I'm in?" I said, sheepishly. The lunatic's name is Ving Bric, and he has politely pointed out that our gear is stashed over to the side of the room, and that perhaps it would be prudent to collect it before making our way through a Stormtrooper infested transport. There's no way this group of misfits is going to take me seriously. This is your chance, Tseedo. Make Greedo proud, show them you're as dangerous and resourceful as they come.


And don't let them see the sweet autographed picture of Greedo you're stuffing into your pocket discretely. 


Halfway towards the bridge, I hear a Stormtrooper shout "You there! Halt!". An instinct deep within me, from a place I hardly knew existed, took control of my base faculties, and suddenly I was holding my hands in the air in supreme and confident surrender.


Shit. This is not the first impression I wanted to make. The human is looking at me like I'm a dick. She's not wrong. 


Woah woah woah, there's been a development. The Twi'Lek is moving towards the troopers and, in a stunning display of confidence and…sexuality, she seems to have entranced three of them to such a degree that they have lowered their guard. One is even on his knees! We all make eye contact, knowing we won't get any chance better than this. 


The Gamorrean might be smarter than I gave him credit for. He decided to bull rush one of the two remaining troopers not under the Twi'Lek's spell. Note to self: never upset the Gamorrean. Also, get on his good side and stay there. That trooper he hit with his vibra-axe barely has a shoulder anymore. 


I gave him too much credit, the Gamorrean is down. I think he slipped, that's the only thing that makes sense. Is now the time? Am I ready to execute the super sweet signature move? Come on Tseedo, you can do it. How many times have you practiced in front of a mirror? Just do it, stop thinking, just go! 


Nailed it. Perfect combat roll achieved. The Gamorrean is officialy my favorite, he makes the perfect meat shield. Cowering behind him is the perfect place to pull my blaster and prepare to return fire. That was so sweet, I bet everyone loves me now. 


Cherry on top, turns out I don't need this meat shield in the first place. Stupid Stormtrooper couldn't hit the broadside of a hutt. The human says something witty and in character behind me, like "Classic" or "Typical". Other note to self: improve one liners. 


Several blaster shots later, all but one of the Stormtroopers lay dead. Damnit I didn't even get to fire off one shot. Oh well, I think it's safe to assume this won't be the last opportunity I get. 


The human has her blaster aimed at the last trooper, but apparently the Twi'Lek has this under control. No wait, she's kissing him. What the hell is going on with these people? Although, it's possible that having an Imperial on our side could be a huge asset. I see what the promiscuous lady is playing at. 


"You could join us, you know" I said to the trooper. "That way, you could be with her and not be…well, not be dead." I blushed, realizing I had spoken out of turn. "If that's what she wants, of course."


Apparently the trooper had enough remaining willpower to resist my charm. I mean her charm. Too bad, because Ving Bric apparently doesn't play around. Shot the poor sap dead. I may be an aspiring scumbag bounty hunter, but I still don't particularly support killing an unarmed man. We have to have some loose code of morals, otherwise we're just savages flying around shooting random people for no reason at all. I'm not sure that I like this guy. 


Despite my growing distaste for the lawless man who freed us, it's waaaaaay too late to back out now. He's asking us to follow him onto the bridge, where his ship is waiting to get us the hell out of here. Sign me up. 


I take it back, there's a scary human, and he looks official. And angry. He looks both extremely official and extremely angry. My hands shoot up again without ever being told to do so. Come on hands, don't ruin that sweet combat roll from earlier. 


Ving Bric says Scary Official Man's name is Captain Calum, but that doesn't have the same ring to it. They exchange un-pleasantries, and things escalate way too quickly when Scary shoots Ving in the neck from out of nowhere. My new friends (wow, new friends, that's exciting) all take a defensive stance, and the droid tries to sneak up to Ving and heal him, but is met with a warning shot from Captain… Captain Crazy Pants. No I can do better with the nickname, come back to me. My mind is moving so quickly, it's moved well passed the defensive stance option. It's time for the nuclear option. 


I pull out a grenade, and put on my best serious impression. "You can shoot us and we all die, or you can not shoot us please. I can't advocate strongly enough for Option B". The dick laughs at me. "You're a buffoon" he says, hurtfully. The silver lining here is that my daring yet unsuccessful maneuver has created enough of a distraction for the medical droid to stop Ving's neck from gushing blood. 


The Gamorrean lets out a signature grunt as he rushes Captain Colossal-Asshole in what I would call an ill-advised attempt. Somehow he get's close enough without eating blaster to slam Captain Inconsiderate Dick in the stomach, rendering him hurt but somehow very much alive, despite his guts showing. Third note to self: refer back to first note to self, vis a vis staying on the Gamorrean's good side. 


The human gets a little bit too cocky. She must think he's wounded more than he is, because she advances on Captain Miraculously-Still-Alive only to catch a blaster shot in the side and hit the deck hard. 


Captain Mumbles forces out something I could barely understand, and Ving tells us to take his ship and get out while we still can. I'm all over that plan, and make my way towards his ship, but our lovable brute stops to scoop him up on orders from the Twi'Lek, who also tells me to put my frag away. I get the feeling she's in charge here, which is fine by me, so I immediately put the grenade back in my pocket. 


On the ship, I man one of the turret stations, as the human is apparently an adept pilot despite being grievously wounded, the Twi'Lek is on the other turret, the Gamorrean is too big to fit in the station, and the droid is a droid. The human manages to get us off the ground, but is having trouble with the hyperdrive. She asks the droid to see if it can be fixed, and to plot the quickest course out of here once we can jump. He (do I call a droid 'he'?) does an amazing job on the first task, and sets to work on finding a nearby, non-hostile planet for us to jump to. 


Just about immediately, two tie fighters converge on our ship. The Twi'Lek yells something at me about shooting them down, and so I fire blindly off into space, hoping against hope that I hit something Imperial. As luck would have it, I do land one irrelevant shot right as we make the jump to hyper space, leaving the remaining fighter behind. 


We convene back in cockpit. Well, all of us except the Gamorrean and the droid. The Gamorrean is off somewhere looking for snacks that I'm fairly certain Ving Bric would have no interest in keeping, as he strikes me as someone who hates enjoyment, and the droid is off tending to the wounded, snackless man himself. 


We look at the map. "Shit", the human says, "we're headed for Hoth". Apparently she doesn't like the cold. I'm ok with it, it should give us all a chance to cool off and get to know each other. 





(GET IT?!)







Not Quite as Planned

Livin' on the Edge michaelbritt23